Last weekend in Spain makes me wonder if I had really decided to move on with my life. There were times where I couldn't bear the pain and sometimes which I felt everything was already hopeless. For now, I am just trapped in this endless circle of self-denial that I have lost the love of my life. As exciting as the holiday may be, I just did not have much mood to enjoy all these things. Trying not to cry made my heart even more painful. Many times in the company of my friends, I tried very hard not to think of him and cry. Well, I still did. I hid in the toilet to cry. At the restaurant, the supposedly-delicious cheesecake I ordered turned like cardboard in my mouth. Just tasteless.

I have been sick recently. When I sms-ed him in Spain that I was sick, it was an irony that he sms-ed me back that he was sick too. And we had the same sickness. I was then thinking is that coicidence? Seems like when he is sick, I am sick too. Now I'm coughing quite badly. Coughed and coughed until sometimes I wished I can cough out my heart so I do not feel any heartbreak.

The train ride back to Cergy was another round of thinking. I can only convince myself that there is no longer an us. Only a him and only myself now. Morbid thoughts did came across my mind. Suicide. I do love him as the whole of my life. If he leaves me forever, I have no longer any reason to continue living. But, thinking about the rest of my family and friends, my dying will only make them grieve. Although my family does not say the word "love" to one another, I know they love me a lot as their elder sister and as their flesh-and-blood. The notion of dying became simply stupid. I don't know about my friends. Friendships has been secondary in my heart for a long time. The cruelty of mankind has already bared its ugly side to me long time ago. I thought he is the one who would make this whole world better for me. Little did I know that fate actually had its own plans to let me know that he is actually one who would give up easily and say "I don't love you anymore". I have been holding on to us tightly through quarrels. I knew if I give up us, I will regret it forever. I didn't and he did. What does this means? It means I love him more than he loves me. My friend's words keep resounding in my head. She said, "He just doesn't love you enough." Why does this little sentence become seemingly big in my head? Why can't my pathetic head get this clear? Why can't I just let it go? The mad shopping I did in Barcelona offered me little solace. I thought I would feel happy after spending a lot of money. But I didn't. Shopping as a therapy does not work at all. I thought about movies. Weird thinking at that moment on the train? I absolutely hate lovey-dovey movies now. Couldn't bear the thought of even watching one any time soon. They had it and I lost it. Zombie movies seems like the best kind of movies right now. Everybody kills everybody. Of course, only in the movie. I am not that sick yet. I hate it that things turned out sour. I hate it that I can do nothing about it. I hate it that he treat me this way when I thought he was already sure about us. I hate myself for behaving like a weakling.

For now, I am just living day-by-day and waiting to go home. There is no strength in me left for any other things. I may look or even sound happy for a moment. But, I am not. My heart is not happy at all.