Blogging is a wonderful relief to my troubles. Writing it down calms me and gives me time to define my own random thoughts. I spent my day alone in my room. Crying and trying to convince myself that it's all over and there is no point thinking about it. It's just all temporary reliefs that I can do. Seriously, I have no mood to do anything else or to eat. I called my mum in the morning. Communication is a bit awkard because I seldom call and just talk to her only. Maybe she finds it weird too. A new experience. I miss home. I really really miss home. For the first time in my life, I totally appreciate what they have done for me and condone my bad tempers. I wanted to talk to my dad too, but it is always the timing problem that when I could call home, he would be out for work already. I think I would call home again soon. My sisters seemed busy recently also. One is struggling with project works ,which I see her complaining about everything in her blog. The one enjoying her start of holidays. Well, like both always not online or free to talk with me. Too much free time for me means I would think a lot. When I think a lot means I would think of him and cry.

Tried to read up Dan Brown's "The Da Vinci Code", but I couldn't concentrate. Maybe it's due to the fact that I haven't eaten for the past 24 hours? I loved the plot of the story to bits. It's thrilling and exciting. A story that is based on real facts. I wonder how much of it is true.

I was using a bookmark given by him to me to mark my pages. On the bookmark, it writes "We all fail at some point in life. It is not the failing that hurts, but rather knowing that we didn't try our best. As long as you've done your best, life your head... Life must go on." So ironically. He bought me this bookmark because I saw it at Popular bookstore and found it meaningful to me. I'm surprised that he did that. For now, the phrase seems to appropriately tell me the exactly advise. I failed, but I tried my best. Life must go on. I tried my best indeed. I tried to salvage the broken relationship, while the other let it go easily. I tried to change my own faults, but he can't wait. Back in Singapore, I wanted him to spend more time with me. I knew he made an effort to do so. I did too. I travelled all the way down to his hostel to look for him. He knows I hate and refused to travel so far on the train. Yet, I still did so. Why? Because I loved him. He doesn't see my efforts that I make for him. He only sees that I demand him for this and that. I really tried my best. No matter how much I explained to him. He just doesn't get it, nor does he want to understand. He wanted a break up and that's it. His cruel sentence of "I don't carry a torch for you anymore" constant replays in my mind. I feel so dispensable. Like something he wants to throw away and that's it. This breakup is so abrupt. I really can't take it well. I could be fine now, but later I will be hysterical again. It's like a mood swing from one end to the other.

I'm just another immature person in life. Or it is that I am just too sheltered in life that I haven't been faced with much difficulties. I can't seem to control my emotions well. Relationships are the only kind of thing that I would cry over and ponder until I get it. The same goes to friendships. My secondary school life was not smooth either. I remembered crying a lot because my friends treated me badly. Ignored and scorned on. I thought they were my friends. I cried in the arms of him. It was comforting. Maybe he was big and tall, and that was why he seemed so dependable. I did cried over quarrels with my parents. Precisely, they are my parents that I feel I did mind their comments a lot. I wanted them to approve of my actions and the choices I made in life. My mum didn't like him, but I still believe that he was a good choice in my life I made. I sincerely believed, until he dropped the bomb on me. What a major disappointment. Being in love is special to me. In love means special care and attention that one would willingly spare for the loved one. The most I expected since he was my first love. I was his second. I guess I expected more of him than what he expected of me. That's why it failed. A pathetic love that dragged so long. Cried when we quarrelled, cried when he went for national service, cried when I miss him at times, and now crying because he wants me out of his life. You may think I am a crybaby or a weakling. I cry because I care. To me, relationships are not be to forsaken easily.