Restless is the word to describe my mood today. Woke up at 12 noon. Had my breakfast. Select and browse through all the photos that I took with my friends. Tidied and cleaned my room. Took a bath. But, I still felt very restless. I did not really want to go to msn either. If I see him online, my walls would crumble again. I felt a little proud of myself that I stuck to my resolution of keeping anything away from him away. No news about him brings me peace.
I browsed through the photos that was taken with him with my friend. Surprisingly, these past memories did not bring me any sadness or pain. Instead, I laughed at the silly things and pictures that was taken last time. Candid shots, photos of us and places that we went to. Warm feelings stirred in my heart. I knew how much he loved me in the past, but I loathed how much had changed between us now. Things will never be the same again. Neither will his willingness to give me love as a friend be the same too.
He used to be the pillar of my strength. Gave me the courage and support to pursue things that I wanted but did not dare to. Gave me comfort and peace when I thought my world was going to crumble. Also back home, he encouraged me to go on this exchange when I felt like dropping out of it because I know I would miss him badly. Now then I know, he didn't really wanted me to go on this exchange and because I wanted it so much that he just let me go. I stuck on to going on exchange. Before leaving, we quarrelled over his work at Starhub, and inadequate attention he was giving me. His new school life began at NTU and he was busy. He quitted his job because he could not handle the workload. I didn't wanted make him do more for me. I travelled all the way down to his school to meet him and spend time with him there. Now I'm in France, the slightest unhappiness of why he was avoiding me made him break up with me. The chocolates that he gave me at the airport also made him unhappy because I almost lost my luggage as I was juggling too much things. I said I was sorry and I didn't meant to accuse him. Over the phone, I did meant it as a joke but he took it the wrong way. Looking back, down from the quarrel in Singapore, he already stopped loving me. I am the only one who is so blind and still trying to keep us going. He longed gave up on us. He disappointed me badly. I also did give him the ultime of keep this relationship going and make more effort or he could let us go. He chose to keep it going and I thought he meant it. He only meant it for that moment. His promises were false. This hurt my heart the most. Promises are for the silly and naive.
