Having privacy is a bliss, but sometimes too much of it is depressing. I'm totally bored to tears in my room even though I've been doing some studying for my exams. My exams are on this coming tuesday (French and friday (Financial Engineering). My French isn't counted as part of my GPA and only Financial Engineering is. My most important exam is on the second last day of exam. The mood of waiting for an exam that's so far away is simply awful. To summarise, I'm restless, bored and lazy. It's 5 more days to the end of exams.. Bah..

As much as I anticipate to go back to Singapore, my heart also fear going home. Why? My life is going to continue without him. Although life is continuing without him as of now, it does makes the hell of a difference at home. Weekends without seeing his familiar face, no hearing of his voice, no more sms-es.. No one will be waiting for me any more. I'm still learning how to build my own self worth, to cherish my own time alone and my life. My heart still aches, but well at least I'm taking a tiny step now. The step to recovery..

Haiz.. Why should I be depressed? Okay, I shall try to type some happy stuffs now.

If the things I write seemed to be repeated, I can't apologise.. Because I'm doing self persuasion. Heh heh.. The art of persuasion is important. I'll be happy alone! I can do it! I can live without him! I can?! Whatever!

One of our hostel mate's mum came to stay with her in our hostel, Alegessec. Their relationship really made me think that the relationship between my mum and I is really lacking in some area. Perhaps it's the culture here that families seemed more affectionate and spending time to engage in family activities together is normal, I wished that my family will do the same too. To imagine if my mum came to visit me and stayed overnight in my little bed here, it will be weird. As much as Singaporeans seemed to be Americanised, the values of Singaporean families are still largely traditional. Parents don't hug their kids, don't tell them they love them, and don't spend too much time together because they are always forever too busy earning money to keep us alive in our fast-paced country.

If I should have a kid, I'll build a "friend-friend" kind of relationship. Isn't this much better? Communication will be on the same wavelength. Most importantly, the kid will be more willing to share his happiness and troubles with you. Thus, bringing the family closer.

Well, it's always the case that our unfufilled wishes will be projected in the future of our kids. I bet my mum would have thought the same when she was younger. According to her, my grandparents' time of parenting style was with the only "teng tiao", the cane. There's no room for negotiation. No, no.. Any thing wrongly done would result in a scary whacking session. Haha.. My memories of my grandma and grandpa ain't really like that. They walked around with canes and wheelchairs. It's really funny to imagine them chasing my mum around with a cane.

I'm going to the mode of madness. Typical of me eh? Self-entertainment.

Sometimes life is like a rabbit hole. You will never discover what you want until you encounter the confusion and the madness. Well, I just love the "Alice in Wonderland" story to bits. It's an excellent fantasy story that mimics life. Think again. Have you discover what are you searching in life? I don't think I have. Where's my Cheshire cat? OOOooo...