The exharilation of returning home sweet home had sort of settled in, but the realization that my life had changed forever struck me and upsetted my recovering heart again. Today's travel on the familar mrt reminded me of how I had always met him in Somerset mrt and how my heart always skipped a beat on seeing him emerged among the commuters coming out of the station. The degree of my joy of having him in my life made me happy till this little small point. I would always smile and think "That's my dear!". But now, all had changed. Will I ever smile at him if I ever meet him again? Do I even have the courage to even meet him? Why is my heart so confused? Although my heart is still reeling from this breakup, I am recovering slowly. But now, it feels like I have just lost my foot and fell in the puddle of muddy water again. I hate this process of recovering again. Long, painful and lonely..

Over this past three months in France since breakup, I had learnt to move on a little with my life. A baby step, but which counts as a huge effort for me. Indulge in daily affairs such as cooking and cleaning, chatting with new found friends and travelling around Europe served as a starting point to begin my new life alone. I did all these faithfully. Now that all these had past, I seemed to be again lost. Now, my mind is constantly filled with these questions.. What to do with my life? How to spend my time? Will I be brave being alone? Have I lost what I have achieved over these few months? Am I confident with myself or not? Apparently I am not. Late night heartpains seemed to be affecting me greatly today. Perhaps it's because last few days I had been busy with settling down and hence, there was no time for my mind to wander.

My New Year's eve was spent happily with my dear friends. Preparing foods and having a mini barbeque at the guys' house. I knew my two good friends are trying very hard to engage me in activities that will put my mind off him. And I really appreciate that.. Later in the night, we went to Cosy Bay which was beside the Singapore Indoor Stadium. It's the first time I have been to that place. Watching the river, feeling the breeze in my face, having a heart-to-heart talk with my friends and some alcohol made me felt really good. Talking about the past made my tears slide down my face uncontrobally. Given that my heart had started to feel numb from crying while in France, I was really surprised that I cried. The heartache started to flood my mind again. Making me lose my strength. Only temporarily, which I hope so..

I can start to strike things off the list of things that I wanted to do when I get home. Got my untamed hair darkened and rebonded, and my ears pierced today. Despite of a bomb I had spent, my straight and long hair really lifted my mood. Each trip to the hair salon always makes me feel like I have a mini makeover. Seeing the old me really depressed me. Maybe I ain't the kind of girl that he likes. Fat, stumpy, short and ugly. But heck it. I should love myself now. This trip to make myself look better, I feel better. For myself.

School is starting tomorrow. It's time to concentrate on work. It's also time to be less emotional and less irrational.. Ganbate to ME.